Mentoring

The Company of Dreamers Workshop Notes

 Jennifer Lynn Joy © 2006

FATHER, IN THE NAME OF YESHUA, I PRAY THAT YOUR HOLY SPIRIT WILL BE OUR TEACHER THIS AFTERNOON, IMPARTING ALL THAT YOU HAVE FOR US DURING THIS TIME. I ASK FOR YOUR GRACE AND MERCY AS I SPEAK, GIVING ME THE WORDS TO COMMUNICATE MOST EFFECTIVELY YOUR MESSAGE FOR THIS TIME. I PRAY THAT YOU WILL OPEN THE HEARTS OF EVERYONE PRESENT TO HEAR WHAT YOU WANT TO SPEAK INTO THEIR SOUL AND SPIRIT TODAY. GIVE EACH OF US EARS TO HEAR AND EYES TO SEE WHAT YOU ARE DOING IN THE EARTH IN THIS SEASON. THANK YOU FOR YOUR HOLY PRESENCE IN THIS PLACE. AMEN.

Introduction: The most radical aspect of my life is JESUS CHRIST! HE is my LORD, my SAVIOR, HE is the KING of the Universe! I have a very spiritually dependent and intimate relationship with HIM! I will do anything for HIM at any time, any moment on any day! All that requires is HIM calling my name!

1. WHO - One of the essential keys of mentoring is hearing from the Holy Spirit regarding your responsibility and accountability in the person's life. Just because you see something that needs attention does not mean that it is your place to speak or correct. What it does mean is that you are positioned to step back, pray for the fullness of GOD's will and purposes, seek HIM about your responsibility and walk in that. Nothing more, nothing less. Often, GOD already has in motion the person HE is bringing into the person's life for mentoring and if you interrupt or walk outside of GOD's timing it is possible to undermine the blessings and benefits of GOD designated for that person. The first response is to pray, seek the LORD, hear the HOLY SPIRIT, moves as HE directs in the timing and parameters that HE chooses for you and the other person. It is important to understand that you simply might not be the best person for the other individual to most effectively learn from or respond to. You might consider asking yourself, "Am I responsible to impart the information that I have?" And then ask yourself, "Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it truth?"
   1. GENDER - I do not recommend going outside of the parameters, boundaries, anointing or sphere of influence that GOD has given to you. I believe more wounding happens outside of our GOD-given parameters than anywhere else in the Body of Christ.
   2. AGE - Who are you equipped to mentor? Children? Teens? Elderly?
   3. FAMILY - Often with extended family members it is best if you position yourself as one who loves unconditionally, encourages and builds up. And then pray for the LORD to bring someone into their life for mentoring, disciplining and training in the Kingdom. This is a separate function from parenting responsibilities nor is it meant to negate any parental accountability for training up children in the ways of the LORD. An example is when I taught my children through the venue of Homeschool environment for a season in our lives. It was then my responsibility to provide homework, grade papers and give grades...in essence be their grade school teacher.
   4. FRIENDS - I do not personally recommend being a mentor to your friends. It is not that in the course of a friendship that iron will not sharpen iron or that you will not learn from each other. There is a difference in the mentor-mentee relationship and friendship. A mentor is in a place of authority in another person's life. It requires a unique relationship of unconditional trust and love to function effectively in the mentor-mentee relationship as friends.
   5. WORKPLACE ASSOCIATE - Usually does not work well unless you are in a supervisor position.
   6. EMPLOYEE - Are you positioned as their training advisor? Is it within the parameters of your job description? Will you be held accountable for the information?
   7. EMPLOYER - Are you taking on a counseling role that is not yours to assume? Do you need to recommend outside counseling for the situation at hand? How is this going to effect the overall atmosphere of the work environment, employer-employee relationship and company mission statement?
   8. COUPLES/SINGLES - Personally, I do not recommend that single people mentor couples in marriage issues. Nor do I recommend that married couples mentor single people in single issues. It is not effective or life giving to expect others to see through your experiential life lens...such as a married couple telling a divorced person how to live. This does not negate the wisdom of the Holy Spirit being imparted yet there is a balance, a trust that must be established relationally for this to take place effectively. If the Holy Spirit is not the lens through which life is viewed then it will always be skewed. I strongly recommend that you exercise careful caution in your mentoring relationships.

    

2. WHAT - For optimum outcome it is imperative to stay in the parameters of the chosen topic. As a mentor, it is your responsibility to keep the mentoring within the topic/subject boundaries that the Holy Spirit has anointed you to impart. This will require a large amount of HIS grace and personal discipline.
   1. TOPICS - Bible Study, Marriage, Prayer, Worship, Deliverance, Healing, Faith, Communication, Boundaries, Leadership...?
   2. BOOKS - Will you use a text to study? What does the mentee wants to learn? What are their goals, hopes, dreams? What do they want the outcome of the mentoring experience to look like? It is about them! it is not about you! As a mentor, you are not the center of attention and it is a place of laying down your life, servanthood, pouring out, loving unconditionally for their benefit and to the Glory of GOD! I promise you that mentoring will cost you.
   3. EXPERIENTIAL - Will you mentor with life experiences and/or textbooks? As one who learns experientially the weakness with mentoring experientially is that you can only mentor what you have learned. It is impossible to have learned it all. Therefore, I recommend that perhaps you consider blending experience and textbook mentoring.
   4. ADDICTIONS - Does it involve addictions and perhaps needed professional medical evaluation or advise?
   5. CO-DEPENDENCY - Does it involve life - long family issues and habit patterns that need changing?
   6. FALSE RELIGIONS - Does it involve being in an occult and/or a religion that opposes your Christian faith?
   7. DELIVERANCE - Does it require deliverance from demonic influence?

3. WHERE/LOCATION - It is imperative that a safe, amicable environment is provided for all involved.
   1. CHURCH - Is the church providing the protection (insurance for lawsuits)? Is the church providing an office space, room and support? Is the church providing financial recompense?
   2. HOME - If at all possible, I do not recommend mentoring in your private home on a long-term basis. Consider what it will cost your family. Consider the possibility of the mentee not respecting your space, time or family. How will you respond if the person you are mentoring abuses one of your children? Mentoring is not the same as having a Home Church or a Home Bible Study as the expectations, outcomes, time parameters and responsibilities are different. It is different to meet someone in a restaurant, coffee shop, office and/or church.
   3. TRAVEL - Will you mentor in ministry? Do you feel led to take others under your wings during missions outreaches, conferences, etc?
   4. PARAMETERS - The boundaries are not about rules and regulations. The boundaries are about a sphere of influence, a place of God's grace, HIS anointing, mutual respect, most effective places of function, highest level of outcome, individuals reaching goals, developing relationships, managing time and space, teaching personal management, and functioning in self-management.  As an example, when Jesus when to the Synagogue, he taught. He did not sacrifice because sacrifices were done at the temple. So he lived in the parameters of the social and religious parameters of his time and season. There are anointed places for the specific assignments that GOD has given us. In my own life, I have mentored during traveling in ministry, taught Bible Studies in my home, mentored one-on-one, taught in a private Christian School, led time-management seminars, taught at retreats and conferences...each assignment from the LORD had a different atmosphere, responsibility, accountability and form of management.
   5. ANIMALS - In the earth's realm sometimes we are confined to physical weaknesses and my skin is allergic to animals. So, I am not positioned to teach or facilitate a group or mentor anyone in a place that has many animals on a consistent basis or in a place with an overt amount of cigarette smoke. And sometimes it really does depend on the animal and how the owner's manage their pets. In mentoring, you will need to take into consideration your personality, your strengths, your weaknesses, your abilities and then depend fully on the grace, wisdom and mercy of GOD!

4. WHEN
   1. TIME - Agree on the time and how often will you extend grace when they don't show up or arrive consistently late. Is your time of value?
   2. DATE - How will you begin and how will you end? It helps to set the length of time in the beginning in order to help alleviate feelings of rejection and/or neglect. Set the time for a certain length and then reevaluate the goals and the outcomes. Find the gracious way to close the door. We have all had a door slammed in our face and we know what that feels like. And we have also had people in our lives who have graciously closed the door at the end of a season and left us feeling cherished, honored and appreciated. My recommendation is to extend grace, step back, thank them for their time, honor and esteem them and leave them feeling loved, valued, appreciated and treasured even though the mentoring season is complete.
   3. MONTH - Consider family vacations, school, sports and other calendar activities.
   4. YEAR - Consider the time of the year, it is near the anniversary of a traumatic event in their life, in your life?
   5. HOLIDAYS - What holidays do they celebrate, what holidays do you celebrate, how will this impact the mentoring goals, outcomes and purposes?
   6. CELEBRATIONS - Do you wish to have a celebration closure? Have you established a reward system for achieving goals?

5. HOW  - In the State of Oregon, do not use the title, "Counselor" unless you are licensed in this State which requires a Master or Doctorate Degree in addition to passing State Board Exams. Use the word "Mentor" to describe your relationship with the individual to alleviate legal implications. Webster's defines a mentor as a wise, loyal advisor.
   1. FORMAT - Must be pre-determined before you begin. If you are mentoring children that have been physically and sexually abused then I recommend having another person in the room with you. If the parent is the violator then have the child invite a safe person to join you until the child feels safe with you. Be careful, cautious and gentle with the hearts of children.
   2. ONE-ON-ONE - Has a disclosure or confidentiality form or statement been provided?
   3. GROUP - Determine size of group - how many can you facilitate well? Is it an open or closed group? Are people allowed to join at any time or is there a beginning and end to the group function.
   4. MIXED GENDER - Always changes the atmosphere when you mix the gender. Would you lead a group on spousal abuse with mixed gender - how would the joining of gender effect the group outcome? There are times for both single gender groups and mixed gender groups...it is imperative to look at the fullness of the outcome of the parameters that are established. Please use wisdom and discernment in this area.
   5. MIXED AGES - Obviously, the subject matter truly affects the ages of those participating. A mixed gender and age group on the subject of prayer would be very effective and appropriate.

    

6. TOPIC
   1. THEIR CHOICE - Are you positioned to provide mentoring on their subject of choice?
   2. YOUR CHOICE - Are they positioned to receive and accept mentoring on the subject?
   3. COURT MANDATED OR PASTORAL REFERRAL - How does this change the format? subject? parameters? meeting times? etc.
   4. COMPROMISE - There must be an agreement, an acceptance on the topic before the mentoring sessions begin. Sometimes a written contract is an effective tool.
   5. LANGUAGE PARAMETERS - My parameter is that anyone I mentor may use foul language upon the first meeting, then after that I trust that as an educated human being they will be able to find words with more than four letters to express their feeling, thoughts, desires, hopes, dreams.....if need be paint me a picture. I mean that in all sincerity, sometimes a child can draw a picture that will tell many things he or she cannot speak. When I worked at the Family Counseling Center in Eugene we often used Art Therapy as a form of communication with children. Please understand I am not religious about this nor am I offended by the language, the hope in mentoring is to help them come to a place of communicating more effectively in their workplace, their home, their community, their church...it is about a desired outcome.
   6. WHINING PARAMETERS - Often an individual will continue to reiterate a particular event in their life to the point of habitual whining which may consume many precious moments of mentoring time. So, my tendency is to address each subject once then give it to GOD to continue the work. In other words, I am only positioned to do my portion and then GOD will complete the work because that is HIS character. It will be essential to manage the time allowed to be the most effective. Of course, it is imperative to listen, to be present, to hear, to respond with kindness and it is also sometimes necessary to ask the person to discontinue the habitual whining of the same subject weekly. The key is that continual habitual whining and complaining is poison to the person's soul and spirit. It will perpetuate failure, depression, oppression and discouragement. They must be willing to stop poisoning their own soul and spirit with the words that they speak. How can you as their mentor help them to change habits that are life taking?
   7. HOMEWORK -  Will you give them home work? What will it look like? What happens if they don't finish it? Will you establish consequences prior to the assignment? One key in mentoring is that it is impossible to make another person learn....they must want to, decide to, choose to and function in that. If they are unwilling to learn then I recommend discontinuing the mentoring until they are willing to learn, until their attitude is changed and they are at a place of respecting your time and gift of mentoring to them in as much is possible for them to do so. As a leader in a group setting, do not allow others in the group steal the learning and growing opportunities of others.

7. BOUNDARIES - Once a boundary is set there will always be someone who wants to break the boundary. If you set it for 7:00 p.m., then someone will want it at 7:15 pm. If you set the boundary for no children, then someone will always want to bring children. If you set the boundary for no husbands, then there will be one who will want to bring their husband. Boundaries are set for the safety, for the protection, because of social norms and for the optimum learning experience of the group and/or individual. The social, gender, marital, parental, religious and academic boundaries must be considered.

8. PERSPECTIVE - When you are mentoring sometimes they will turn their back on you, walk out the door, betray you, purpose to destroy your name, reputation and ministry, undermine your relationships, divide your family......how will you respond. I am not asking, "How will you react?" -  I am asking, "How will you respond?"  Is your family, marriage, church, ministry, leadership team and/or group strong enough to overcome these possibilities? It is about perspective.
   1. THEIRS - The person or persons that you are mentoring are looking at you through their lens. How do they see you? Who do they know you to be? Are they positioned to trust you? How skewed is their perspective by emotional, physical, mental or spiritual abuse/pain? What are they feeling? How perceptive are you to their feelings? Do you understand their language? Do you understand their pain? Do you know how to relate to their personality?
   2. GOD’S - What is God's perspective? What does God think about that person? If GOD was talking to that person, what would HE say? How would GOD demonstrate love to that person?
   3. TV - Who is influencing the individual? Who is influencing the group you are leading? Everyone is being influenced by someone! Consider influences by teachers, youth leaders, coaches, friends, internet, etc.

9. GOALS - Be the Change You Want to See...How can you most effectively model the attributes of Jesus Christ?

   As most of you know, I am attending GFES in their Master’s of Divinity Program. Recently, I took a class on Emotional Intelligence and I would like to share with you excerpts from the textbooks that are applicable to mentoring.

   A. Taken from Primal Leadership (p 144)

   • Goals should build on one's strength, not on one's weakness. Most of us are acutely aware of our weaknesses and do not need others to continually remind us. Often we hear about constructive criticism - the truth is that constructive means to build us and criticism means to tear apart - so when you offer constructive criticism you end up with nothing - is that what you really want. If you always do what you have always done you will always get what you have always got....is that what you want? Is that what GOD wants?
   • Goals must be a person's own - not goals that someone else has imposed. No one enjoys being force fed someone else's dietary needs.
   • Plans should flexibly allow people to prepare for the future in different ways - a single "planning" method imposed by an organization will often prove counterproductive. Give them a chance to change their goals.
   • Plans must be feasible, with manageable steps: Plans that don't fit smoothly into a person's life and work will likely be dropped within a few weeks or months. Let them move at their own pace within their own comfort zone of learning. One of my gifts is being able to accomplish a huge amount in a small amount of time. It has been imperative for me to learn and accept with kindness and grace that others will not manage time, work or move as quickly as I do...it is not reality. Make sure the expectations are attainable.
   • Plans that don't suit a person's learning style will prove demotivating and quickly lose his attention. There are at least four to five different learning styles - be aware of these as you mentor others. Perhaps use Briggs-Meyers of DISC personality tools during the mentoring process.

   B. Developing Others - Sensing Others' Development Needs and Bolstering Their Abilities - Taken from Working With Emotional Intelligence (p 146)

   People with this Competence

   • Acknowledge and reward people's strengths and accomplishments
   • Offer useful feedback and identify people's need for further growth
   • Mentor, give timely coaching, and offer assignments that challenge and foster a person's skills

10. FATHER, THANK YOU FOR YOUR GRACE AND PRESENCE DURING THIS TIME, THANK YOU FOR YOUR HOLY SPIRIT'S POWER AND KINDNESS TO US, THANK YOU FOR IMPARTING TO US YOUR WISDOM FOR THE SEASONS IN OUR LIVES. CAUSE US TO SEEK YOU CONTINUALLY AS WE WALK FORWARD IN OUR DESTINY IN YOU ACCORDING TO YOUR WILL AND WAY FOR YOUR GLORY. AMEN!

Bibliography

Daniel Goleman, Richard Boyatzis and Annie McKee. Primal Leadership - Realizing the Power of Emotional Intelligence.  ISBN - 1-57851-486-X

Daniel Goleman. Working with Emotional Intelligence. ISBN - 0-553-37858-9

Permission is given to print the Teaching Notes for personal study or sharing with family, friends and/or prayer groups so long as the contents remain unaltered. Any other use of the articles or materials would require written permission. © 2001-2006 - All Rights Reserved.

		DECEMBER 2005 HIS ALL SUSTAINING AND REFRESHING LOVE! A Gift for: Jennifer Joy, Fairview, OR, USA Scriptures: Song of Songs 1:2-4, Song of Songs 2:3-6, Song of Songs 2:10-13, Song of Songs 4:12-16, Song of Songs 7:11-12, I John 4:17, Philemon 7, I Chronicles 29:10-12, Psalm 55:22, Psalm 92:10, John 12:3, Mark 4:3, John 12:3, I John 1:5, John 1:9, II Peter 1:4, Matthew 5:16, Ephesians 6:17, Ephesians 5:25, Ezekiel 47 and Matthew 26:7. Handmade by Laurie Montgomery

"You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt has become tasteless, how will it be made salty again? It is good for nothing anymore, except to be thrown out and trampled under foot by men." Matthew 5:13